Cocoa pebbles, Haribo gummies, pizza, hamburgers, marshmallows, coke and fruit snacks. A feast for kings and third graders alike. Well my friends I admit, I am that king. I am that third grader. Yes, when I go shopping, I buy all of the above items. You're probably thinking, "You're going to have a heart attack!" Well, you're probably right, which is why I decided to eat healthier as a New Year's resolution. What did I do? I called my nutrionist friend Val, and had a little heart to heart (get it, "heart to heart", and I'm talking about eating healthy which makes you have a healthier heart…comedy gold).

After about an hour and half of explaining my eating habits and her realizing that I am a medical phenom for still being able to pump blood to my vital organs, she advised me to a low fat/low sugar diet. O.k, cool. I'm a young professional; I can handle eating actual fruit instead of fruit snacks, oatmeal instead of Cocoa Pebbles, thin sliced turkey instead of hamburgers, pizza once every two weeks. Yeah, I can do this. Hey I'm disciplined. I played high school sports(on losing teams mind you). I am a mascot. I am mentally stable. I can do this.

So I headed to the store. I ended up walking 20 minutes in the cold to the closest "health nut" grocery store. For a moment I felt kinda cool. I mean really cool. Seriously I was so cool I lost all feeling in my extremities ( I thought it would be a good idea to be underdressed in the freezing cold, nothing says tough and disciplined like frost bite). 

So I enter the store. Lost. Yep, couldn't find a dang thing. Ooo, I know, let's make it really easy to find milk by having a separate "cold room" located where the average joe could never find it. Or we could even have two separate isles of bread, that way someone would grab the wrong bread because they wouldn't know there was another isle on the opposite side of the store. Better yet, let's over price our meat, and separate our brands of organic waffles from regular brands. Heck, while we're at it, let's overprice the waffles as well…in both isles. Still not lost and frustrated? Well fear not, because we are going to fill the store with as many people as possible, but we are going to make sure to have limited space. What's the matter? Can't get around the woman and baby staring at the organic cereal?

That's it! I was done. After I hit the apex of frustraton and despair, I reached for the one constant that would satisfy me. The one thing that had always been there for me. Cocoa Pebbles. Yes, my good friends Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble reminded me of all the good times we've had together. They told me that there were no such things as "unhealthy" food, but everything in moderation. They spoke wisdom about life and how no matter how healthy I try to be, I could always walk outside and get hit by a bus, or eaten by a dinosaur ( I realize there are not dinosaurs anymore, but hey, they're from prehistoric times and I understood what they meant).

After doing a little soul searching and meditating on some wise council from a few good prehistoric pals, I left the grocery store victorious. Complete with Cocoa Pebbles, Haribo gummie fish (I had never had this kind before), Eggo waffles, pop tarts, and pizza. Oh yeah, and some apples and oranges. I felt good. Real good, until I walked back home in the cold. Then I just felt cold. And hungry. Which is why I ate a nice 2-3 serving sized bowl of Cocca Pebbles when I got home. Thanks Fred and Barney. Yabadabadoo. Seriously.