Like i said, March is Madness. What? You don't believe me? Let me explain. Tennessee MEN'S basketball team is going to the sweet sixteen (notice "men's" is emphasized. Maybe because they were absolutely awful when i was there. And our women's team pretty much goes to the Final Four every year.)

Oh, you don't like basketball? That's not enough madness for you? Well how about waking up on an invigorating Harlem morning, and walking outside to see your back rear window bashed out and glass all around and inside of your car (mind you it's freezing cold outside, and you're already late for work). Don't worry, they only stole about fifteen t-shirts that i had just washed, and a free Devils cap. No CD's. No shoes. No stereo system. Just a few t-shirts and a Devils cap. I mean why wouldn't you bust out someone's window and risk being arrested for a free Devils cap. You would be a fool not to. I know i would.

Ok, ok, so you don't care about vandalism or earthly possessions like Devil's caps or t-shirts. Well how about tenant court? Huh? You like landlord/tenant court? Ya know, good ol' fashioned civil crime? Well as you may or may not know (you would if you regularly kept up with joshlay.com blog posts, if you don't, shame on you. Anybody who's anybody reads joshlay.com blog posts and signs up for  free updates. Seriously. EVERYONE'S doing it) i went to court. Don't worry, it wasn't like Law and Order, there was actually no law and order involved. You see no one showed up. Not the defendant. Not the attorney. Heck, the judge came in wearing street clothes. She took the stand, threw her robe on and continued to read the New York Post. Now that's some serious court. Don't worry, our case was adjourned till next month. Woo hoo. More court. Perhaps next time it will be a pirate themed court date where everyone has to dress like their favorite pirate or swashbuckler. I mean why not? Apparently it doesn't matter whether you show up or not.

Still don't think March is Madness? Well, i doubt you have a soul. That's right, I said it. You're soulless (is soulless even a word? Is now). You know where people like you would fit perfectly? A wax museum. Wax figures don't have souls. Only really really detailed features that make you think they're real. Honestly, is there anything creepier than a wax museum? Absolutely not. And don't be that kid that stands really still, only to jump out and scare people. Especially if you're wearing a British Guard hat. No body likes those things. They're creepy.

 It's that time of year. Madness. You can smell it in the air. Or perhaps it's just an unidentifiable aroma from your neighbors down the hall. Whatever it is, it's all part of the madness that is March. St. Patty's Day, Basketball, court dates….what? Court dates? Yes my friends, the saga continues. This Friday my roommates and i will continue the legalities of living in Harlem.  It's a long story, but in short, we were scammed and then told we were going to be evicted. We hunted down the landlord, and have been waiting to get our names legally on the lease for months. In other words, madness.

But enough about my worries, let's talk about St. Patty's Day and all the fun that it encompasses. But let's not kid ourselves, it's really just a time where people can find another excuse to get really wasted, wear a costume, and have a parade. And in that parade invite a professional mascot. Perhaps the New Jersey Devil. And in this parade yell and mock at the Devil because they are a fan of an opposing NHL team like the Rangers. As if this costumed character doesn't have enough issues of his own, he needs to be mocked at by adults and little kids saying, "you suck, go Rangers." Or "go back to where you came from, Flyers rule!" Yup. All the devil can do is let reality crash over him like a title wave. A young professional that wears a furry costume and rides in parades while being mocked at by children, he can only smile (because that creepy smile will forever be plastered on the mascot's face).

Yes, and on top of that, this sad clown realizes his fate lies in the hands of the judge on whether or not he will be living in the streets or in a feces infested building (both equally as disgusting and unsanitary, quick reminder, there is HUMAN WASTE in my elevator at any given time). So have fun. Drink your green beers and wear your orange beards. But when it's over, and you awaken from your drunken slumber, you take off the beard and four leaf clover hat and return to reality. Not me. Nope. I will put the mask back on and attend a library's grand opening, or perhaps stand still for an hour while kids draw me for an art class. Madness. Or should i say sadness? A grown man who puts a costume on to make ends meet. That's my reality.

Well, whatever the case, i have this one constant to look forward to: NCAA March Madness. Who will win? Nobody knows, that's why it's madness. If you knew who would win, it would be called March Predictability. In which case no one would watch or have pools because everyone would just get their money back. Yup, that would not be madness, but sadness as well. But c'mon, it's not like that so cheer up. But you know what is predictable? Someone relieving themselves in my elevator and/or hallway. Yup. That's not madness, just sick.

Man o' man! Nothing beats the feeling of getting a fresh stack of mail (besides bills of course, and letters from the government that caught your car speeding on a surveillance camera and send you a ticket in the mail, and credit card applications that claim you are Josh Fay, just because you signed up for one years ago at a Cubs game to get a free bucket cap….what? Can you blame me? We're talking a CUBS BUCKET CAP.) Yeah, besides all that, mail is the best. Letters from loved ones, birthday cards, an occasional card with money in it, Josh Groban tickets. Life doesn't get much better.

What? You mean you never received your mail? You mean someone's been going through your mail? Someone stole your Josh Groban tickets? Surely not! Well my friends, if someone is shameless enough to pee in an elevator and defecate in the hall, sifting through someone else's mail probably isn't that big of deal. Well, my friends, welcome to my building. Recently, my roommates have been discovering that they haven't been getting some mail, and when they do get it, it's already open. How could this be?

(Fade lights. Roll film. Enjoy.)

Roommate: "Someone stole my Josh Groban tickets! They were supposed to be here days ago, and the post office said they already delivered them and that someone signed for them with my name!!!"

Me: "Wasn't me, although if i saw two Josh Groban tickets laying around i would be pretty tempted to steal them as well. But sorry, i didn't sign for them."

Roommate: "Who could it be, what in the heck happened!?"

Other roommate: "My mail has been opened to!! And there was supposed to be forty dollars inside?!"

(we hear a knock on the door. Roommate opens the door to find our neighbor holding an envelope.)

Neighbor: "I think these are yours."

Roommate: (opens the already opened package to discover two Josh Groban tickets) "Thanks."

THE END

Are you kidding me? No. That is it. A true story. Nothing fancy. Nothing interesting. Just good ol' fashioned crime. Yup. Just your classic guilty conscience criminal (and a criminal not knowing who Josh Groben is, because clearly he would have never returned them). "I think these are yours." Ya think. What made you think that? Maybe the name on the package, or mailman asking for a name that isn't your own. Yeah, i would say you're right, those were not yours and probably belonged to the name on the package.

The moral of the story? Don't buy Josh Groban tickets. It's that simple. Oh yeah, and don't be a federal offender. Nobody likes that kid.