Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, i don't care if i ever get back …

Seriously. I don't care. I realize i have been gone for a while, but that is because i have had a crazy past few weeks. Here's a Reader's Digest version of what i've been up to lately. (By the way, who has actually ever read a Reader's Digest? I'm talking all the way through and not just skimming the pages or looking at the pictures. Exactly. No one.)

For starters, Bill, Cory, and I just finished writing a sketch show that received a Workout slot at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. In other words, we get a chance to audition our sketch show in front of the Theatre's artistic director to see if our show will get a run or not. In other words, i need you all there on July 12th. Check the deets on my calendar. (Yeah, i just said deets. You got a problem with that? I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality that i can say deets and still feel masculine. Deets. Deets. Deets. There.)

Before i left for Chicago (yeah, i went to Chicago. I'll tell you about it in a sec, so calm down.), i went to see longtime friends and neighbors Josh and Brandon Manis perform with their band Gamenight and friends Mouth Movements. They played at the Lit Lounge and, I must say, they rocked it. Was it loud? Absolutely. Do earplugs take away the deafening sound and make the show more enjoyable? You betcha. Do i sound like an 80-year-old man saying, "Teens and their music are just too loud these days"? Without a doubt. I have problems. Anyway, they're embarking on a monthlong road trip and playing shows wherever they can. So you should check their website out and see where they'll be next.

Finally, Chicago. In the words of the great Harry Caray, "Holy cow! What a trip!" Yup, my dad and i visited the Windy City in honor of Father's Day, and we did a ton: watched two Cubs games (they lost both, mind you, during one of which our pitcher threw a two-hitter and the Padres hit a home run to win in the top of the ninth. Unbelievable.), walked on the Navy Pier, caroused downtown at Harry Caray's, ate pizza, and saw improv groups like The Washington Generals at the IO Theater. It was a success. Love ya, Dad. What i don't love is flights that get cancelled. Like the one my dad and i were supposed to be on. Sure, I ended up getting another flight back to New York, but my Dad had to spend the night at the airport. Nothing tells Dad you love him more than leaving him stranded at the airport while you head back to the comfort and safety of your own home. "See ya, Dad! Saynoara! Have fun sleeping on a bench and hanging out with sketchballs at the airport!" 'Cause it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ole airport. Play ball! Sketchball that is.

Wow. So i realize it has been three weeks since my last entry (which i know drives all of you loyal readers crazy. Did i say loyal? I meant bored.), and i feel awful. Well, nevertheless, i am back and ready to share what's been going on in my life. Honestly, is there anything better than sharing? Yes. The Magnolia Bakery. Seriously, that place is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as the line that wraps around the building. But man oh man was it worth it. Banana pudding, cupcakes, cookies, and chocolate milk. Mmmmm good. Oh yeah, did i mention i have the taste buds of a third grader? So what if I like sweets — and, say, blueberry waffles covered with peanut butter then doused in syrup? Don't knock it till ya rock it. They're delish.

I rock it. Seriously, i've been rockin' it: commercial auditions, comedy shows, Dizzy's jazz club. Rocked 'em all. That's what i do. Rock. I also rocked John's Pizzeria and Totonnos. And by rock, i mean gorged and suffered. My roommate Perk and i thought it would be a good idea to order two large pies (that's pizza for you Southern folk. I know, i can't believe i'm referring to a whole pizza as a pie. Am i turning into a Yankee? In my best Brooklyn accent: Fuhgeddaboudit.). Did we finish them? Yes. Were we sick? Absolutely. It's just not natural to eat a large pizza all by yourself. It's also not natural to wear a shirt and tie from 9-5, stare at a blinking gadget all day, leave, squeeze into a tiny box on a rail, and repeat. But you know what, America? We do it every day. So if i want to eat a large pizza and throw up all over myself, i think i've earned the right! I am a taxpayer, ya know?

But you know who doesn't pay taxes? Pirates. Nope. They just pillage lands and swab decks all day long. Which is why i'm going to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean tonight. And when i'm done, shiver me timbers, i'll be talkin' like a pirate. (For those of you who are not pirates, that was pirate talk. And, by the way, Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19, so get prepared.)

That's all. That's what i've been doing. It's not much, but it's honest. I've also been writing some sketches and whatnot. But you don't really care unless there's something to watch. So if you're bored, watch this. And if you're really bored, play this. My work here is done. So i'll be talkin' t' ye lads and lassies later. Arrrr.